"I HAD EVERYTHING I WANTED AND I LET IT SLIP RIGHT OUT MY HANDS....HOW COULD I BE SO DUMB?"

I've got this ball in my throat....I've always hated the ball, feels like suffocating. It's not going to be going away any time soon. I have to give myself some credit for holding it together the entire time even though my heart and mind were racing a million miles a minute. But I feel it building, and myself beginning to crack. My house doesn't feel like mine, it feels so empty and the light just doesn't look the same. "Take your mind off of it" "try to not think so much about it" how do you suddenly stop thinking of the person you thought about every minute of everyday?. A reinvention is needed...a reinvention is happening right here right now. I have never been the person to forgive and forget, I've been a grudge holder of the worst kind since I don't know when, but it's all this harboring that I've been doing that has turned me into the way I am. I've got to let it all go everything. My crappy childhood, endless amount of friends that have come and gone, marrying someone I didn't know and that marriage turning into something abusive and wretched, the kidnappings of my son, being abadoned, lies. Those times have come and gone and I need to realize that, situations are different and I need to live my life in the present. I have to do this for me, but I have to admit I'm also doing it for him.

Here we go.